A Scar To Remember

A shot. A screech of tires. Then nothing. Warm fluid running from my neck. Adrenaline rushes through my veins like fire. I stand there for a moment, trying to imagine what just happened. The pain is like none other I have ever experienced. My head throbs with it, but I stand. I place my hands on my neck, just under my jaw and I see a dark liquid flowing off them like water onto the cement stairs at my feet. Then another jolt. It feels as if and invisible hand is pulling the spinal cord in my neck out from the inside. I sit down on the step.

She came up behind me and asked, "Ben, are you all right?" It took me a second, but I replied, "I think I've been shot..." with a rough sigh. Every muscle in my body immediately tightened after I said those words. Had I been? Why would they shoot me? I had done nothing. No words were exchanged. I couldn't even see there faces that dark night. I was just trying to walk home. Why, God? Is this it? Is this where my story ends? Oh, Mom I can't do this to you. Dad, I love you. This will tear at my family's heart. I don't want to die. I'm terrified of death. These thoughts raced through my mind like roaring rapids as I sat there with nothing but my shorts on. Cold, wet and scared but comforted. She held my shirt tied around my neck to try and stop the bleeding. So much blood. I was beginning to feel light-headed.

But, no tears. No crying. Just gentle words of comfort from her. They were frantic, running to get help, dialing 911. I lie there. My head on her lap. Bleeding. Thinking. Why couldn't I have just stayed home, safe and sound? Is this my punishment, Lord? I deserve this. Sirens. Men pick me up and place me in the ambulance. Bright lights. Needles. Bags of clear fluids hang above me. Sirens. Motion. We're driving. Hospital. Don't know where I am. Nurses. Doctors. Questions. I remain perfectly awake, but dazed slightly. I answer the them. They are going to call my parents. Oh, no. Please God, make this go away. I'm sorry. Don't let my Mom find out about this. Don't let my Dad hear that his son has been shot in the neck from a strange voice over the telephone. The chaplain calls. My parents come. Now the tears flow like a dam-break. I apologize, express my love over and over again. My parents hold me. They cry. I lay on the operating table, neck brace on, covered in blood, covered only by a blanket. Rest.

On June 23, 2008 I was the victim of a drive-by shooting in my neighborhood just outside my school. I snuck out of my house at around 11p.m. to go swimming with my friends at Verdugo Hills Pool. After we were done swimming, we were walking down the path towards the sidewalk, when a dark car pulled up, shot once and sped off. After I heard the blast, I immediately felt a blunt pain in the back of my neck that would later be described as a .22 caliber bullet.

I spent about 2 days in Holy Cross hospital Intensive Care Unit. I was informed that the bullet had pierced the skin right below the right side of my jaw and was lodged between my neck vertebrae. I few millimeters in either direction and I would have been paralyzed from the neck down or worse... They would not be removing the bullet because it was too dangerous. Too "risky".

Three weeks later you wouldn't have known that I had been in the hospital, much less the victim of a drive-by. The doctor said I was perfectly healthy, just with a little extra metal in my body now. The muscle surrounding my vertebrae would encapsulate the bullet and keep it lodged there indefinitely. I was disappointed. I wanted that stupid thing out of me completely. But, now it serves as a reminder. A very real sign of what could have been.

God had his hand over me that night. I know I would not be here today if it wasn't for that miracle. It will forever be my scar to remember.